Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
