i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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