It was confusing and full of hummus
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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