There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
