remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize