im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
