Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize