i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
