i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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