omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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