Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
