I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
