3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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