I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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