Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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