I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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