I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
