i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
farters have to be the big spoon...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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