Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am mentally ready for anal.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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