Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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