I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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