my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
