Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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