I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
