Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
