A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize