You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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