I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
