So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
