remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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