"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
