So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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