I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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