dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We got so high we made milksteak
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
