if i can run in heels then i can drive
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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