alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Randomize
