do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
