If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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