And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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