And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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