Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
foreskin is a definite game changer
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
