Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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