My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
