Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
