I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
