I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
