Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
