Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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