You work out of a Hotel?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
