Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
