i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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