I feel great
I just peed on a car
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
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