Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
