im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
