I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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