I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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