I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
