Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
