If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
