remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
